The Google search phrase makes me catch my breath: Is God disappointed in me?
I feel a stabbing in my chest. I want to grab the person by the shoulders, look her in the eyes and say, “No. No, sweet sister. You can’t disappoint God. You are his daughter. Once you are in Christ he clothes you. He takes off your rags and exchanges them for his robes of righteousness.”
But I can’t. I don’t know who you are or what your day holds. I don’t know if you are knee deep in laundry or diapers, wondering if you’ll ever feel like yourself again. Perhaps you’re holding on to the last fragment of hope in a marriage or wondering if your son will come home after the fight you had this morning.
I write this letter to you in hopes that the truth of this message will sink in. I pray it will trickle into your subconscious and you will recollect these words when the lies of the enemy threaten to overtake your thoughts.
First, let me say I have been where you are. All too recently.
I have felt like God was looking down at me saying, “Seriously? You expect me to still listen to you after that?” I have carried the weight of guilt on my shoulders for a harsh word uttered at my children and a shopping indulgence I knew I should have avoided. I could go on. He knows the entire list.
And yet despite my guilt, he beckons me. He sees the work he’s doing in me, and how far he’s brought me.
He sees me for the child I’m yearning to become. That I am becoming.
He who began a good work in me is faithful. (Philippians 1:6)
Yes, there are sometimes consequences and yes there is discipline but he never shuns. He welcomes me with open arms, the same way he welcomes you.
I’m in the second trimester of my third pregnancy, and I am consumed with all things baby. I’d forgotten how much it changes your perspective, knowing there is life being created inside you.
Last week I went in for a prenatal checkup and for a brief moment, the doctor had trouble finding the baby’s heartbeat with the doppler. My heart sank. I silently pled with Jesus to bring that rapid, steady beat and after I changed my position on the table, there it was.
I could have cried. It gave my soul sweet rest and I wanted grasp the doctors hand, keeping the instrument on my belly a bit longer as I absorbed the rhythm.
His love is like that, you know. Like a steady heartbeat, beckoning us to come to him.
For I the Lord do not change; therefore you, O children of Jacob, are not consumed.
Malachi 3:6 ESV
Even when we can’t feel it or think he’s far away, he’s right there loving us through our doubt. It is constant like my miracle’s tiny heart, giving us rest. Giving us faith to trust in what we can’t understand.
As crazy as it may sound, I heart it last week. The swooshing, rhythmic beat that eluded me for a slow moment of panic gave me confidence in his unchanging adoration.
It was as though he was saying, “Even when you can’t see me or feel my presence, I’m right here. The love I have for you doesn’t change.”
Once you come to him, he has the same adoration for you. Despite your flaws. Despite your shortcomings.
Stop striving to gain his love and rest in knowing it is yours. Stop striving to serve him and delight in knowing him.
Congrats to Lorraine Reep! You are the winner of a copy of Suzanne Eller’s new book, Come With Me. I will be contacting you regarding shipping. Congrats!